Resolutions 2012: Things I Will Not Do #2

Trial and error (and error and error) this Holiday season has made one thing glaringly apparent (to me and the rest of my household)  - although a decent enough cook, I am an abysmal failure as a baker. I am baking challenged. 2012 is about coming clean, and well, I suck.
It is easy enough to make yourself look like a domestic Goddess when blogging. Everything is shiny and clean, the cookies are golden and no one cries while eating raw cookie dough when yet another batch of baking comes out flat/hard/burnt/tasteless/inedible. 
I am about six minutes away from 40 and have somehow managed to arrive at this age without any of my own tried and true "just like Grandma used to make" baking secrets. 

Oh, I can make stuff look pretty, that much I can do. I am a master of pretty deception.

A cake I made for my sister Sarah's wedding day. I sugared daisies (which FYI are NOT a tasty edible flower) and plopped them on top of a rock hard "from scratch" cake. Seriously - like potential weapon hard. I dumped enough sugar on it all to make it sparkle (when in doubt lipstick and rouge the crap out of it).

My kids first birthday cupcakes. The little marzipan birds and chocolate nests turned out, but the first batch of "from scratch" cupcakes were my usual brand of scrub sponge tough. In the end I used a boxed mix, after making 50 or so the Rachel way first.

There is nothing wrong with box mixes, or using icing from a can - except I would really like to be able to do it all myself (and well). The main problem is this: I have attention recipe disorder. I half read recipes, I try to improvise and if I realize at the last minute I am missing an ingredient I just leave it out - or clever up a substitute. A friend pointed out (when I was bemoaning my craptastic skills on Facebook) "cooking is art, baking is chemistry". 

Makes sense. Hadn't ever really thought about it that way before. I improvise when cooking all the time, and it usually works out. Baking not so much. I will leave you with a shot of just one of my many goofs this past Holiday...

Shortbread Rachel Style - (do not attempt)

Look in Joy of Cooking for a shortbread recipe.

When you can't find one that really fits the bill just decide that Scottish Shortbread will 

do.

Disregard the fact that this recipe is actually a loaf - and the suggested method of 

preparation for it is to bake the crap out of it, and then go at it with a sharp knife - an 

alarm bell should be going off in most peoples heads right now. Most people.

Proceed like you are in your right mind.

Substitute whole wheat flour for regular flour (to be fair the Joy of Cooking talked fancy and said I could). Whole wheat flour has a place, and decadent Holiday treats ain't it. 

Cut out the cookies and then BAKE THEM FOR 45 MINUTES.

Now, if you bake you know that this is ridiculous. Shortbread cookies are ready in about a quarter of that time...like - don't quote me - 10 or so minutes.

Serve them to your kids - who emphatically say "No thanks"! to a second.

Serve them to your husband who suggests they taste like "high end dog biscuits".

Suggest to your husband an alternative place to store said cookies.

Secretly serve them to your dog (whom you have witnessed, on numerous occasions,

eating her own poop). Stare in disbelief as the traitor hound sniffs your baked offerings

and walks away in a huff.

Lather, rinse, repeat. (I also tried meringues - which never, ever work, but I am nothing

if not tenacious). AND gingerbread, which my hubby said were delicious, but

I think he was nervous of me running screaming into the night leaving him to single dad

these two nutcases.

Sigh.

They look pretty don't they? All sparkly and cozy laid against a pretty vintage plate. DO NOT BELIEVE IT PEEPS! IT IS A SHAM - A LIE!

Now that I have outed myself I will further dig this hole I am in by stating, online...

Resolution #2 for 2012 

I, Rachel Riordan will stop thinking I am more clever than whomever riddled out whatever baked good I am attempting to recreate. I will just FOLLOW THE FRIGGING RECIPE. I will NOT improvise. I will accept my limitations in this area and work to improve my skills. OR after attempting to improve myself simply say screw it, accept my limitations and buy cookies at the store thusly saving myself the inevitable breakdown. Peace. xo

Resolutions 2012 - Things I will not do...#1

My two outbreak monkey's made certain we spent this Holiday season plagued with an impressive selection of sickness. As a result I spent most of December in various stages of medicated and over medicated. I also discovered that online shopping whilst in this state can result in an interesting delivery box from Amazon two weeks later. It seems the jacked on NyQuil version of me has big plans for 2012. 
The now healthy(ish) and sober(ish) me has decided to not make resolutions of things I need to do this year to improve myself. No, instead I will focus on things I should stop doing...for sanity and sometimes personal safety's sake. In the meantime I have a lot of reading to do. Waste not want not after all.

Resolution #1: I will not shop high.

Furniture Porn...

Perhaps the sexiest table you will gaze at today. Dawson from RELIK delivered this harvest table and benches to us last night. Hand crafted out of repurposed bowling alley floors we can now sit 10 comfortably. Genius. A very sturdy addition to the hussy in a black dress that is now the dining room. It all balances out. So, have a peek...enjoy xo

Fine, go to Nicaragua...

I will just paint the dining room black. Partly because I am sneaky and have no desire to have an actual discussion about the (possible) bad consequences of doing so, and partly because I know it is going to be amazeballs. Well, there was a brief moment of "Oh baby Jesus, what have I done", but I muscled through it. 
Sure glad I did. Our dining room (which was a kind of non room before) now has something to say. It kind of yells at you, but I spend way more time in it so I must kinda like that. And thankfully Paul loves it too. Whew. 

Before...a wallflower of a room. Yawn.

My "Oh crap" moment. It was brief.

Now...A loudmouthed girl in a tight black dress that orders you to "Sit down, pour a drink...stay awhile".

Even the art is happier.

Paul has no more big trips planned in the near future. 

Wonder how much I can get done during a day trip to Niagara on the Lake?

xo

Birthday Wishes Pt. Deux...

Four years ago, around this time I was very, very pregnant. And as a result (well of that and a lot of danish scarfing), I was very very round. So round in fact that on December 8 2007 my husband and I had a full on domestic (sans slapping) right outside of Terroni (lovely Italian restaurant in the heart of Queen West). 
I wanted lunch, I was hungry, I was always hungry...but Terroni was packed, and the tables are close together, and there were three of me stuffed into one sumo suit. I was right fighting for Hero Burger...much more room, less of a scene. Paul won and I begrudgingly wedged us into a too small seat. We did have a gorgeous lunch of wild mushroom soup and a gorgonzola pizza with shaved prosciutto topping it off. Everything was going brilliantly in fact, till I waddled to the bathroom and (of course) my water broke. 
Sigh.
I sat in denial for about 15 min...perhaps I was just having a really loooooooooooooonnnng pee. 
Nope.
Long to short, I champed up, wrapped my coat around my waist and marched out to a full house and an alarmed looking Paul. Five hours later I was a proud Mama. It makes for a great story, and we take the kids back every year and tell it to them over a delicious meal. 
(So glad I am not celebrating every year in Hero Burger).

You guys have your daddy's taste buds, and my ridiculous sense of timing. 

(Good luck with that).

Happy Birthday my loves xo.

Birthday Wishes...

Today is Georgia and Shep's fourth birthday. We have a whole fun day of activities planned out (I will spend the day reflecting and wondering how the heck four years just flew on by). It has been the worst and best job I have ever had being a Mama to these two little beings. The pay sucks, but the benefits are wondrous. It is a privilege.
I will post pics of our birthday adventures, for now I will leave you with a few favs from the past four years. 

Happy Birthday Babies xo

Holiday Fibbs...

Round about December 2nd I remembered it was December.  I also remembered that I had wanted to make an advent calendar for the kids, something fun to count down the days until the 25th. It would also serve me well to have a large reminder of what day I am actually in, to avoid my usual night before breakdown. 
Last year I bought the kids the standard cardboard box with little perforated windows and a chocolate in each. I tucked it away in a "safe place" and then promptly forgot about it. Cut to me Christmas eve, with too many things to do and not enough hours left to do them (and maybe some rum)...well, I found it. I went at those little windows like it was my job...cue shame spiral (and more rum). 
Well, not this year folks. Each night the "Christmas Fairy" comes, she brings little treats and a note tucked into the mitten of the day. The notes are gentle reminders to be kind, and helpful (and yes good). The treats are incentive for them to do so. It's sort of a fibb...but it's mine and I'm sticking to it. I like to think of myself as the Christmas Fairy. A little bigger and sometimes grumpier, maybe not as sparkly...but I bring the magic none the less.

Here's how this particular magic went down...

I printed 1 - 25 onto transfer paper, then ironed each onto a heavy cotton.

Cut out 50 mittens, I mixed up the fabrics to make it colourful. Trim each number and stitch onto one half of the mittens.

I added a piece of red trim to give a bit of jaunty consistency.

Our indoor garden gate was the perfect place to hang all 25 mitts.

Better be good for goodness sakes!

Happy Holidays, whatever you celebrate...

xo